HEALTH
Since last year, I've felt so uncertain about what is going on with my health and what to expect from here on out. I didn't feel I was getting many answers from my nephrologist and I had crept into a depression. I had feelings of fatigue, weakness dizziness, confusion, and nausea very often. I have been on my medication, Afinitor, which was prescribed to me in 2014. I had begun at 10 mg and was at 7.5 mg at that time in my life. I had heard of alternatives, but my nephrologist wasn't sure if that alternative would work as he was only authorized in the one medication and didn't want to prescribe me something he was not certain about. In that time I had spoke with a group of others with my same condition as well as parents with children who also have my same condition. I was encouraged to meet with a doctor in Memphis, Tennessee, who is known to be the most well versed doctor in the country regarding Tuberous Sclerosis. He also is a nephrologist. My local nephrologist agreed that a second opinion might be helpful. I then did take the advice and took a trip to Memphis and met this doctor, who in my opinion is the best doctor I've ever met. I felt like my eyes were opened to understanding for the first time what condition I really have. I shared with him my concerns of depression and other side effects. I felt his concern, value of my issues and also he answered that I was on the best medication for the condition, but he lowered my dosage to 5mg. After my experience, Ashley was also able to go and have his concerns put to rest as he is still learning about how the medical condition will effect him. We are all doing the right things and Afinitor is the answer to keep any tumors located throughout the body at bay or from hemorrhaging etc..
LIFE
During this same time, My husband at the time was struggling to live with my depression. He had done many things to try to lift my spirits. One of these things was getting me my current miniature dachshund/pug mix puppy, Annabelle. She become my emotional support animal. Her unconditional love, and cuteness just made me feel the best I could in my situation. Over time though things didn't get much better between my husband and I. Our differences were just too much and understanding each other didn't seem to really come. I went to the temple one day and put our names in the temple, hoping the answer to help us feel love and happiness in our marriage again would come. Two days later a decision to file for divorce came instead.. I was devastated... I failed a marriage, I thought. I'm getting a divorce. I mourned, I cried.. I begged.. But in the end, God opened my eyes. I wasn't really happy.. I hadn't been happy or as happy as I have been before at all in my marriage. Royal and I really just weren't compatible enough to make things work. He was hurt, I was hurt for so many different reasons and there was no way we could really make that hurt go away without separating.
The divorce finalized in a week.. God knew we both needed to move on and heal.. It has not been easy, but I am finding I was really depressed in the marriage. I look back and yes, I had been in love and happy, but it didn't last. I also have learned now that I will know when the right one has come a long. As painful as it all has been, Heavenly Father has opened his arms to me, as have my friends and family.. Also, Annabelle has been my comfort, my little love that no matter what she'll always be there.. Hanna, my college best friend, has opened up her home and family to me to stay until I find out where my journey will take me. This is only the BEGINNING I have realized. At times the thought comes "You made the wrong choice.. You married the wrong guy.. God showed you he wasn't the right one.." But I know I married for a reason and have learned so much.. It is nothing to be ashamed of to be divorced. The whole point of life is to learn, move on and keep growing.
I've had so much inspirational scriptures, songs, quotes and such loving friends, family, strangers and ward members embrace me and help me begin to heal and get through those tough times. I'm so grateful for that and that I will learn to love me for me again and be the ME that I know I am and be happy with it.
I still continue to work at Stephen Wade Chrysler Jeep Dodge Ram, but am finding out if that is where I am to stay or if God has other plans. I felt Cedar City was where I need to be, but am finding if a job here, more north or elsewhere is also right. I've had the impression that I need to go back to school at some point, but have not felt exactly when yet. I know God will make it possible and let me know. Dental Hygiene has been on my mind as a possible career for a long time, but I've also considered getting back in to journalism.
"....whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." -Alma 36:3
I know I was meant to marry or be a part or Royal's life for a time. I know we both learned and grew. God has a purpose for all. I am grateful for it and him. It hurts that things ended in such a terrible way, but I have found forgiveness. I wish him so much happiness wherever he goes. We both deserve it. It just didn't work with each other. I know I am a Child of God....
That next Sunday.. I went to my Young Single Adult Ward and my smile and feeling of happiness came back.. I felt so welcome and so comfortable there. The bishop smiled at me.. Others were so welcoming.. I bore my testimony.. The spirit had returned..
This is beautiful, and inspiring. You are not alone - many people can relate to your story. Thanks for the courage to share. You have a bright future. We love you!
ReplyDeleteMonte, Thank you. So glad to know you as well.
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